The Prostitute

All of these stories have a moral. They may not be apparent at first, which is why I will put one at the end of each post. Why? Because...as aforementioned...90% of the human populus is brain dead. You may be part of that, and I want to save you future humiliation and/or bodily harm.

Let's start with the prostitute. It's pretty bad when you give "hooker" as your line of work in a medical questionnaire, but we can't all be angels...and it's good for a laugh.

So, here's this girl....an admitted prostitute, and one of my patients when I was rotating through Ultrasound She was in complaining of pelvic pain. Gee, I wonder why. So the poor kid undresses from the waist down for a vaginal/pelvic exam. For those of you who don't know (or are male), this exam consists of an external ultrasound for the pelvic area and all its organs, and an internal exam for a better view of the vaginal wall and reproductive organs.

The patient lies on the table and puts her feet up in the stirrups. Figuring that she has fibroids or something of the sort, the tech starts out doing the typical pelvic exam. About two minutes into the exam, the tech switches to the vaginal probe. I don't know how the fuck to read an ultrasound (and still don't...I find it dreadfully boring). About two seconds later, the tech leaves....dragging me with her. She says:

"There's something lodged in her vagina."

*blank stare*

"Is it a sex toy?"

"I don't' know...it's kind of small."

"Not all sex toys are huge..."

"Yeah, but...there's something odd. I'm going to go talk to the radiologist."

So I wait. And wait. And wait. A few moments later, the tech and the radiologist emerge and rush back into the room. I follow, expecting my diagnoses of a sex toy to be affirmed.

God, do I wish I'd have been right.

Upon further examination, it was found that this prostitute had stuffed a roll of $100 bills in her vagina to hide them from her pimp...and forgot about them.

This was about 3 months ago.

Needless to say, the bills were rather necrosed (aka. dead) and nasty from having ben in the vaginal canal of a prostitute...but they were easily removed with some forceps and a bit of lube.

Once they were out, the hooker wanted them back....and we had to give them to her.

Moral: Never put money in your mouth.